i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize