i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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