Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
