i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
