they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i believe in u and ur pee
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
