Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(406): View more from Montana

i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal

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(530): View more from California

before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers

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(810): View more from Michigan

There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

When in doubt always reply with bacon.

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(607): View more from New York

You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.

(607): View more from New York

That can't be good for your liver!

(1-607): View more from New York

Thanks for caring mom.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot

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