you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
