So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
