I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
