I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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