Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i think my cat just said my name.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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