Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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