Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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