Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
time to smoke my breakfast
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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