yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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