watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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