Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
