Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
