so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
