her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
