they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
