hotel room ftw
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
