someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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