I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize