please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
