i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
