guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
