Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
