My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
