hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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