good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize