i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
