How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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