Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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