I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
