Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
