I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I cockslap morals
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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