If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
