I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
