If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
