Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
