just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize