Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I smell like Dick and happiness
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
