Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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