Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I love you. Go after that dick
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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