In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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