and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
