I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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