she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
