The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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