I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
