I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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