don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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