My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
