It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
