"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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