actually, I'm a sock model
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
