I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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