we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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